Answer: a spraymailing PR bunny who knows how to use PHP.

Hello,
The following press releases were sent to you recently. We should be very grateful if you would tell us whether or not you intend to make use of them.

Not a good start.

TECHNIFOR – #1174 – 2009-03-10
XF530p: the portable deep marking solution | Capable of attaining a depth of 0.4mm, the XF530p is the world’s first portable deep marking by micro-percussion machine – which stands out for its versatility and ease of use. Whether it is used on tubes or smooth surfaces, it is simply applied to the part, with no need for other pre-tension equipment or supplementary positioning. It can mark pipelines (oil, mining, gas), lifting/hoisting equipment (pallet trucks, forklift trucks), “off the road” vehicles and even naval constructions and metallic structures.
http://ns204460.ovh.net/press/pressdoc_files/1174/CUK_TECHNIFOR-XF530P.pdf 

Ok. And that has precisely what to do with the inland waterways of Britain, pray?

But hey. We get plenty of irrelevant press releases, mostly about the America’s Cup or other saltwatery things. I can live with that. The really offensive bit is in the headers.

Subject: MEPAX Monthly Reminder
X-Mailer: Mepax/Php 

So. You add us to your initial mailing list, without permission, because you found Waterways World on Mediadisk – or some such grot – filed under “boating”… and this press release talks about “naval constructions”.

You then, astonishingly, write a nag mailer to follow up every single such misdirected release with a “monthly reminder”. And you expect us to write a personalised reply (”we should be very grateful if you would tell us”) to your automated mailer.

After recovering the power of speech, I have written a personalised reply to info@mepax.com, and it does involve the words “get” and “lost”.

(Clare’s list of Top 10 PR mistakes should be compulsory reading for bunnies everywhere.)

Future Publishing has a spiffy subscription management website, myfavouritemagazines.co.uk (cf this, but clearly not as horribly naff as this).

It does everything you could possibly want, online, which is clearly both convenient for the customer and efficient for the company. And they’re quite proud of it: ”The links below are designed to give you complete control over your subscription.” “This area is designed to answer your every need.” All of that. You can order back issues, get a replacement for an issue that hasn’t arrived, change your delivery address, and so on. It makes me quite ashamed of our simple little online order system at WW.

Except the one thing you can’t do is cancel a subscription. “Please write to us at any time during the initial 60 day period [sorry, the what?] supplying your full name, address, subscription number (if possible) and magazine name. Write to: Future Publishing, Unit 4, Lathkill Street, Market Harborough, Leicestershire, LE16 9EF.”

Free clue: making it difficult doesn’t stop people cancelling their subscription. It just makes them pissed off with you and less likely to buy one of your other magazines.